Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Reflections about Brian

Post about Brian

My most dramatic memory of Brian was when I was sick of him picking on my (mostly normal big brother stuff).  I chased after him and he slammed the door.  I hit the door hard and be knew a that moment that he better not mess with me.  That was the last time he picked on me :-).

I typically would do things that he liked in order to try to get to know him better and to spend more time with him.  This didn't really work but I tried.

He stayed in his room a whole lot and from my perspective he was able to get great grades - much better than me.  

I am really working on remembering my positive memories of Brian.

I am reaching out to people who either knew me well during this time or knew Brian well.  I'm doing my best to have a balanced view in my book.


Post for 9/30/14
I am thankful that You are always there for me no matter what.  Lord all I ask that people do is listen and cry with me.  Thank You for enabling me to be much less heavy hearted today.
Lord help me to continue to rely on You for everything.
Lord thank You for being so incredibly faithful.  Lord, my body is tired but I ask You to be my strength.

Monday, September 29, 2014

important back story

Today I wanted to share a little bit of background information.  I was meeting with a friend this morning and we talked about how it would be helpful to learn more about Brian in order to have a bigger picture.

My mom will be helping me with some of this information in regards to the teenage years.  This is my perspective as well as Brian’s girlfriend.  Brian’s girlfriend knew Brian in a way that nobody else did (at least as far as I know).

First, according to his girlfriend (who I’m going to try to reach out to if possible) she stated in a letter she wrote within days of the events… She stated “This man had so much love in his heart that it overflowed in all that he did.”  I never saw this side of Brian, but I’m grateful someone saw this.

Second she said, “He taught me the importance of communication and the beauty of unconditional love…. Later she wrote that “he was a provider and problem solver.”  Personally I saw him as someone could solve problems (especially ones related to the computer or anything technical. 

Third, she stated that “he also loved his family deeply.” He did not express this to us in ways that I understood or experienced, but maybe he didn’t know how.  She also stated, “Brian was the sweetest, most honest, trustworthy and compassionate person I have ever had the privilege of knowing.”  I did not know this Brian, but that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t like this.

It was challenging to read some of what his girlfriend wrote, but it helps me think a little bit different about him and it provides perspective.  There is more to the background story and that will need to wait until next time.

#perspective #veryShortPost


I pray that You would prepare me for the grief share tomorrow.  Lord thank You for the reality that my suffering will be able to be used for Your glory through me being able to have an unique ministry among those who are suffering.  Lord help me to keep this perspective.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

gratitude current thoughts

The more I think about my experience of losing my brother to suicide the more gratitude I have. It is interesting because not only am I writing this book about suicide and my experience as a sibling survivor, but I’m also at the same time building up my counseling practice.  This has been hard, but I’ve learned perseverance.  I know I must not give up.  I will write this book and I will build my counseling practice.  Both will take more time than I want or expect.  Both will teach me more than I could ever imagine.

I think my greatest fear for writing my book is simply that no one will read it.  Success in my book is publishing it (kindle and paperback) and having one person be impacted by my experience.  The cool thing is that I already know that lives have been impacted by me sharing my story.  Please reach out to me if I can help in any way (natewagner08 at gmail dot com) or leave a comment.

Thanks so much for reading.


Right now I am having a hard time.  Help me to be able to push through this hard time.  God’s word is true and I confirm God’s goodness and mercy regardless of my feelings at the moment.  Lord even though it feels like life is crumbling on top of me I know that You will help me to get through all of this.  You are good all the time and all the time You are good.  I praise You for enabling me to look to You for strength.  I cannot do this without You.  You are my Rock and my Salvation.

Lord, I praise You for Your faithful mercy and grace.

Saturday, September 27, 2014


I was not depressed, just tired this morning.  Lord, for someone to understand how I am feeling it is like this: very lonely, sad, needy, feeling that no one can identify with what I am going through.  I want to have a model of what it looks like and what is normal (going through the suicide of a brother). …. Lord, I am having a terrible time concentrating.  Lord, right this moment it feels like no one cares.  I know this is not true.  I want to focus on You.

Lord I am hurting and I desire to serve You.  Help me to focus on You and Your will for my life Lord.

Friday, September 26, 2014


Thank You for sustaining me.  I was having a hard time.  I think one reason it was difficult was because I was feeling sorry for myself.  … Sometimes I have that overwhelming sadness.  All I want is to magnify Your Name in all that I do.  I hate to beget extentions on all my papers, but it seems necessary at this time…. I am having a rough time dealing with everything.  All I want to do nowadays is read about suffering, grief and tealing with Brian’s suicide.  I want to get my joy from You…. I want to deal with my grief.  I don’t feel absolutely hopelessness, but I definitely am quite sad.  I am hurting deeply and all I want is for this to not hurt so deeply.  Thank You for enabling me to have a little bit of fun last night… Lord I feel out of it right now.  Father, help me to be the man of God that You desire me to become.  I pray that my brain would function so that I could get stuff done.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

feeling blah

Post for 9/25/14
Lord I praise You for Your faithfulness and Your mercy and grace. 

10/5/02 – no reason given – no journal entry.

10/6/02 – Lord I have slacked off in writing my thoughts out on paper.  I am so sad.  Everyone was having fun but I was not…. Lord You are my strength when I feel weak.  Why won’t this pain go away?

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

#comfort #mercy

Typed from journal 9/30/02
Lord I praise You for helping me to realize that all I need is You.  I must realize that my worth is not based on whether or not people are always there for me or not.
Thank You for the friends who love me.
Lord thank You for Your mercy and grace. 

Abby Father I love You.  I pray that I would look to You for comfort.  Help me to continue to be real and to love and serve You more every moment of my life.  Help me to not be controlled by my circumstances.  Help me to constantly remember that I must rely on You for my strength.  Lord I know that You are going to use this terrible stuff that I am going through to give You honor and praise.

Lord I surrender all to You.  Thank You for letting me suffer and to teach me to rely on You more and more every day.  I must forgive myself and accept forgiveness that God makes available to all of us through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ.

Lord I am hurting.  I need to rely on You and You alone.  Lord I thank You for enabling me to start to understand what it means to suffer.  Lord I pray that You would help me to be able to serve You and love You more than anyone or anything else.  Lord I don’t understand Your purposes, but I trust You.  You are the only One who can satisfy what I need.


Lord I praise You for Your faithfulness and Your mercy and grace.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

writing a book is a journey

I wanted to write a quick note to update each of you on the process of my book.  I'm making progress going through my journals.  The primary purpose of this is to take the raw emotion that I felt shortly after losing my brother to suicide and making it available for you to read in my blog.  My desire is that this opens up conversation.  Much of this will likely show up in my book.  My plan is to continue making progress on this to have as much as possible completed by the end of 2014.

Sometimes when I work through sometime like this it takes me in different directions.  I am being faithful in writing each and every day.  It's interesting that I have not skipped a day in over two months.  Sounds like that's a fairly ingrained habit, but if I'm not careful I will likely start to slack off in my writing.  I know you have a lot of choices about what you read so I am grateful you choose to read some of what I write.

Two final points:
1.  When you see me in person don't think that you have to ask me about my writing.
2.  I spend a lot of time thinking about my book (and my counseling practice) so I enjoy talking about it and receiving feedback.



I am sad because it seems like no one is there.  I have this helpless feeling quite a bit lately.  Lord help me to rely on You for my strength.
Lord help me to know how to serve You and love You more every moment of my life.  Thank You for the friends that I have.  I pray that You will strengthen my key relationships.  Thank You for helping me to start to understand how a suicide affects me.

Lord I praise You for tears.  Thank You for helping me get my feelings out  Right now I am angry toward You and Brian.  You for allowing it to happen and Brian for doing it.  Lord this grief hurts so bad.  Help me to deal with the real issues in life.

Monday, September 22, 2014

questions you have?

As I think about my post for today the most accurate word is determined.  I want to make sure I keep making progress and putting out quality posts.  I want to make my journal helpful to others.  Much of what I'm sharing has been directly either from my journals in 2002 or my current thoughts.

Today I wanted to take a moment to stop and reflect on the process over the past 60 plus days.  After I post this I will be up to 63 days in a row.  This habit has enabled me to do it regardless of whether or not I feel like posting or not.  Some days I am able to post several blog posts and others I do just one.

I think a lot of what I'm doing now is getting in the habit of writing.  I'm looking forward to having more direction and forming this more into a readable and helpful form.  Right now it feels like it is very random.  Please give me some feedback on what has been helpful in your own journey.  Also I'd love to hear some questions that you have for me that you would like me to address in the book.  A few questions that have already been asked in the past several weeks are: Share not only what worked, but also things that didn't work.   What other questions do you have?  There are no bad questions.

Thanks!  You can either comment below or send me an email at natewagner08 at gmail dot com

Thank you.


Thank You for tangibly showing Your mercy and grace by answering my prayers.  Lord I thank You that even when it feels like life stinks You are still very faithful.  Thank You for enabling me to have people who are willing to listen.

It is so wonderful to look outside of myself and share the incredible loss so that Your mighty Name may be praised.  Thank You for enabling mom to come here so that we could enjoy each others company.  Lord even though we only spent 3 hours together it was very meaningful.  Thank You for enabling me to share what You have been doing in my heart and life lately.
Lord, thank You for enabling me to realize that I am not alone in grieving Brian’s suicide.

Sunday, September 21, 2014


Lord my prayer today and every day is to fulfill Your purposes.
What do I expect people to do for me to support me?  I want someone who will listen and who cares about what’s going on in my life.
I desperately want to see You and Love You.  Help me to look outside myself and serve You.
Lord why?  Why am I having a hard time figuring out who I am?  Why am I so sad?  Why do I have to go through this?  How do I cope with this?  How can I minister to others when I feel so needy myself?  Why does life have to be so hard?  Why does this have to be so painful?
Why do I hate life so much?
Why do I not understand?  Why does it seem like my faith is not strong enough to get through this?  Why didn’t I know Brian better?  Why did this have to happen now?  Why don’t You answer my questions.
Lord help me to surrender all the questions that I have to You.
Lord I feel like no one cares (even though I really know this isn’t true)

Saturday, September 20, 2014


Lord, help me to figure out who I am in You.
Lord, I feel like life sucks right now.  All I want to do is just cry.  Where are You Lord?  I am hurting so much.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  Show me You love me in tangible ways.
Thank You that my friend was able to take a moment out of her day to say “Hope you have a good day.”  Lord You are the only One I can depend on.  Everyone else is going to fail me one way or another.
Lord, I pray that You will help me to serve You and love You..  I am having a rough time tonight.  I am thankful that I have people who are willing to go out with me tonight.  I am sad right now.  I don’t know who I am.

Thank You for placing people in my life who understand what I am going through as far as grief.

Friday, September 19, 2014

60 days of writing #EndStigma

Over the past 60 days it has been clear to me how important it is that I share the message I have. Some days it's been hard and I've had to squeeze it in, but on other days it has been easy to type out journal entries from 2002. I find it challenging to go back to the journal entries since I've been posting more personal posts the past few days and weeks.

Today I just want to give a huge thank you to my readers. This content is not easy to read. I know that there is enough depressing things going on in the world, and perhaps in your life or in the life of your loved ones. It means a lot that you would take time to read my story.

Why do this at all? It is first for my ability to work through things. I also want to be able to help others. In 2002 I looked for books to help me through sibling suicide as far as I could see (Amazon.com wasn't big back then) there were no books available. I knew from that point on I would be the one to write a book about this. Know this about me... when I was in grade school and probably beyond that I would take my essays and papers to my mom and she would revise it over and over and over and over again. It is so strange to think of myself as a writer. I am a writer and that's that! 

#rockedmyworld #why?

Brian rocked my world.  Instead of allowing this to happen I’m going to continue to get professional help like I mentioned before. to get through this.
Friendships can’t just go one way.  Because of what Brian did I am not as patient with people.  I felt like I gave Brian time, but he did not let me get to know him.
Lord only about an hour and a half later I feel like no one cares or understands what I am going through.  Thank You for always being so faithful.  Thank You for giving me three good days.  I am overwhelmed with sadness right now.
God why me?  I want to look beyond the pain that I am going through but it is so difficult.  Through what I just felt proves that You Lord are the only One who is not going to let me down.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Very personal post 9/18/14 #pleaseLive

Post for Thursday, September 18, 2014
I will get back to typing out of my journal, but today I wanted to expand on something that I wrote yesterday.  I would like to also help those who are struggling with thoughts of suicide themselves.  Whereas I have never personally attempted to take my own life, I did have a point right after all of this happened (my lowest point to date) where I entertained the thought for a moment.  I share this because some people might look at me and think, “Nate’s not the type of person who thinks those thoughts… he has life all together.”  Well, I want each of you to know that’s simply not the case.  I know that in that darkest moment I immediately went to my parents and I got the help that I needed.

The purpose of me writing this portion of my personal story is to help you know that if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide you are not alone.  Please get help.  There are so many resources available.  First and foremost call 911 if no one else is around.  If you have friends or family around please tell them.  Please get the help you need.  Call your local crisis intervention.   Harrisburg’s Crisis Intervention is at: 100 Chestnut St, Harrisburg, PA 17101  Phone:(717) 232-7511

No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.  - http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Finally I wanted to mention a great resource provided by #pleaseLive  

As I said there are many resources available.  There is no shame in asking for help.  I share this so you know that you can get help and you can live a healthy and happy life.  It's not easy.  It's a journey, but it's worth it.


I do not think that it is productive for me to think about what must have been going on in Brian’s head…
Thank You for enabling me to get some professional help.  Reveal Yourself to me.  I pray that You will help me to regain some concentration and motivation to accomplish the tasks set before me.  I have feelings that if I would have been able to get to know him he would not have taken his life.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Thoughts from today #resource

For some reason I haven't wanted to open up my journal and type out the thoughts from 2002.  These are my thoughts from today, September 17, 2014.  I am so grateful for my run this afternoon because it helped clear my mind and help me focus.  As I've mentioned in at least one previous post I am looking to build my counseling practice.  Currently, I work at Cornerstone Counseling Center in Harrisburg.  I absolutely love the practice the people I work with.

One of my desires is to create somewhat of a niche within my practice that focuses on a few different types of people.  The first group would be those who have lost their brother or sister to suicide.  The second would be loved ones of those who have lost a sibling to suicide.

A different group of people I hope to reach is those professionals who personally know me or who have started to get to know me and my story.  My desire is that this group of people would be helped by my providing support through blogs and through speaking engagements.  In the past I never considered myself a "speaker," but I am working on this and by the time I have an opportunity to share my story my desire and my prayer is that many lives would be impacted by my story.  More than anything this story is a testament to what God has done in my life.  I know that I had choices and I am fortunate that when I had a very difficult choice to make: choosing to live or choosing to die I chose to reach out and get help.  My prayer is that others would be encouraged by this as well.

Please comment on the blog, my facebook, send me a personal message or
email me at natewagner08 at gmail dot com

Thank you and please keep reading! and I would love specific feedback.


I am so thankful that no matter what I am feeling or thinking I can come to You for my support.  Lord help me to trust and love people.  Lord I very much need to rely on You for every ounce of strength that I have in my body.   Lord I thank You for continually showing me that many people genuinely care about me and my life.
Lord it is all about You.  Everything I am and everything I hope to be is Yours.
I almost feel like I should not be doing as well as I am, but I know this is a gift from You.  you have given me a joy that surpasses all understanding.
I pray that You will enable me to trust in You alone.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Real life 9/16/14 #thoughts about future

My current thoughts:

I'm very excited to see how things are going to progress in my counseling practice during the next few months.  My desire is to have 25-30 billable hours per week.  This takes into consideration the reality that my client load is constantly in flux.

Things I'm working on are:

1.  Writing a blog post for PleaseLive about what I'm doing with my book and a little bit of my story.

2.  Create a website for potential and current clients ...
     - to view more about what I am doing
     - that would link to my YouTube channel (which I have just started)
     - where my I would post my blog
     - that would link to my LinkedIn profile.
At this point I am just thinking about this and have not taken any action.  Likely I would have someone create this for me.

3. Work on my brief story so that I can share on the spot the most important and helpful lessons from my experience.

4.  Work on developing skills so that I can be a better speaker than I am today.  I will be sharing my story with the audience of #pleaseLive and I am open to additional opportunities as they come up.

5.  The most important aspect of my counseling practice is my ability to network.  I am working to talk to most if not all of my network to let them know what I am doing and trying to figure out how I can add value to each individual I come in contact with on a daily basis.  I took action in joining the Harrisburg Young Professionals.  Now my job is to get involved with them and get to know individual members of HYP.

I am so grateful for this opportunity.  It is very exciting.  Thank you for being a part of it.


Lord I thank You for the strength that comes through difficult times.
Lord I thank You for enabling me to see Your faithfulness.  I need You Lord.  You are amazing.  I know that no matter what happens that I can love You and that You love me.
Lord I do need to weep.  Lord help me to be willing to cry and I need to.  I am finding that I am distracted a lot.  Lord this is a lifelong process and I cannot just snap my fingers and resolve everything.  I will never be the same “normal” as I was before but I will be able to function again.  Lord help me to have the courage to deal with everything.

Monday, September 15, 2014


You are amazing and I know that no matter what I go through You still are there for me.  Lord help me to see Your faithfulness and mercy demonstrated through my friends.
There are no easy answers and it bugs me when people try to make it better when it isn’t an easy solution.
Help me to be real and to tell a few people what is actually happening in my heart.  I have a lot of people who want to take away the pain but I know that You have placed that in my life for a reason.  I am determined to figure out what that reason is and if I can’t then I will definitely remember that you are all I need.  Sometimes I need to cry and sometimes I need to laugh.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

#walkupdate #realLife #pleaseLive

Today I write to ‪#‎EndTheStigma‬ about mental illness.  Yesterday I participated in the out of the darkness community walk.  It was full of mixed emotions.  I was grateful to be able to participate with the group called #PleaseLive  My friend Alexa Moody started this amazing organization.  You can check it out here: http://www.pleaselive.org/about.html  We plan on partnering in the the coming months as the mission of my blog and my book line up nicely with this organization.  I chose to walk with #PleaseLive to support what they are doing for suicide awareness.

I also had the privilege of meeting the individual who was sang a few songs before the walked began.  I ended up walking close to her and I saw she had the same color bead necklace as I did (orange - among others) which signifies the loss of a brother.  In her case it was a brother-in-law, but the pain was no less than mine.  We had a very meaningful conversation and then she returned to her family and team.  She stated that she wishes the best for me in my journey of writing the book.

I am very excited about how the writing is coming along even though it is far from being a book.  I think the act of writing for 55 days straight is a huge encouragement to me as I never considered myself to be a writer… but now I must think of myself as a writer :-).  Also, I look forward to speaking and sharing my story with the audience that Please Live already has established.  If you are a new reader to my blog I have much gratitude.  Please interact with me via facebook comments, email or even better if you can speak to me in person.

Please comment below or send me a personal message or send me an email.  You can reach me at natewagner08 at gmail dot com  Thanks so much!


I think the biggest thing that I learned from this is that I have a long way to get through all of this.
Help me to evaluate what exactly I have lost.  right now, I feel that I have lost the future memories of spending time with Brian.  I have lost the possibility of having any nieces or nephews on the Wagner side of things.  This makes me very sad.  My relationship Brian was not very good.  We did the typical sibling thing and fought.  

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Real life TODAY 9/13/14

9/13/14 (real time add to book)
Today I am doing the AFSP 2014 Harrisburg Out Of The Darkness Community Walk.  This has mixed emotions for me.  In a lot of ways I’m excited about it.  Also I also recognize that since I’m writing my book  emotions have been brought into the forefront of my mind.  Right now I’m experiencing some sadness of our loss, but I’m looking to remember some of the good memories that I had with Brian.  I haven’t spent much time thinking about these positive things, but that is where I want my focus to be today.

I’m looking forward to crying and sharing my memories with others.  I also look to make some important contacts today as well.  I’m going to be helping out a small organization by having a small group that will start the first Monday in October.  More to come on this later.  I’m looking forward to this volunteer experience as it will help me to help others in a different setting.

#positive #attitude

Thank You for the positive attitude that I have about all this.  Lord help me to look to You for my strength.  I love You Lord.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
Lord I pray that I would take my time trying to deal with everything.
Lord I am thankful for reflection time.  An opportunity to just chill and enjoy God’s wonderful creation.

Friday, September 12, 2014

#difficulttime #need2laugh

Lord, There are times where I need to laugh.  Overall You , O Lord, will help me to get through this difficult time.
Lord I love You and I desire to serve You more and more every moment of my life.  People have really extended their hands out to help me through this difficult time.

Thursday, September 11, 2014


Sovereign God I magnify Your holy Name.  I pray that I would “consider it all joy.”  Lord, help me to figure out who I am.  Lord who am I?


Lord I am so thankful for Your faithfulness.  You are so merciful to me.  Lord help me to love You more each moment of my life.  Help me to deal with everything.  Lord this is so much to work through but I am thankful  that You are there for me through it all.  I praise You for bringing me this far.  Life is tough but You are so good to me.  I don’t deserve the many blessings that You provide.  Lord today I serve You.  You alone are worthy of my praise.  I magnify Your holy name.  Lord I thank You for my wonderful support system.  I have so many wonderful people who care about me so much.  Lord I love You .  Help me to focus on my studies and my walk with You.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


9/21/02 typed out post 9/10/14
Lord Jesus I am so thankful that I can laugh and still have fun.  I am much more relaxed.  Thank You for enabling me to enjoy myself.  Help me to have learned a lot from the relationships that I have had in my life.  Lord I pray that You would enable me to grow so much closer to You through all of this.  Help me to find out more who I am as an individual.  

Lord life sucks sometimes but I still trust in You and You alone.  I pray that You would help my friends more completely understand who I am and what I need from them.

Heavenly Father I am thankful that I was able to see mom and dad.  It was good to be encouraged by them and that they are proud of these decisions.  Sometimes don’t know who I am and how to deal with everything.  Life is hard, but I know that You are so good to me.  Laughter is such a great thing.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

#control #shortpost

9/20/02 typed out to post on 9/9/14
Lord I know that You are in control and that nothing will come my way that You can’t handle.  Lord I am going to do my part in all of this and seek to love You more than life itself…..

Lord I am in Your hands.  I love You for being You.  No matter what I will hold on to You.  Thank You for lavishing Your love on me.

Monday, September 8, 2014


9/20/02 typed out 9/8/14
I praise You for Your faithfulness.  Lord I love You.  Help me to be able to figure out who I am in You, Lord.  You alone are God my Savior.  I love You.  You are my strength when I am weak.  You are my holy God.

Lord I am humbled before You.  May I consider it joy all that I am going through.  I have a tremendous amount of pain, but I trust that You alone will get me through this.  I’m not going to act as if everything is Ok because its not, but I feel pretty good considering all that has happened.  Lord, may I meditate on Your word and aply it to my heart and let it impact my life.  Lord I love You and Your mercy and grace.

I am thankful that No matter what happens You are there.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

another type of loss #briefpost

From journal on 9/19/02 just under 12 years ago.

This was a hard day as this is the day I ended my relationship with my significant other at the time...

Lord I confess that You are God.  Thank You for being there through everything.  Lord, life sucks right now.  I want to still love You and serve You more tomorrow than I did yesterday.  I am having a tough time dealing with this.  My world is spinning right now.  Lord I trust You.  I know that You have my best interest in mind.  Lord help me to be able to get through this difficult situation with all the details.  … I pray that You would enable me to rely on You for my strength.  Lord I know that no matter what is taken from me I will always look to You for my strength.  Lord, no matter how tough it gets I trust You.  You are my all in all!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

very short post

Lord, You are so faithful and just.  Help me to rely on You.  Lord I will have my tough days.  People will let me down, but You will never let me down.  Thank You for enabling me to just get away form everything and everything.  Help me to work through, not around my grief.

I look at Your creation and it helps me to keep things in perspective.  A lot of times I feel sorry for myself but You have given me so much.  Lord I need to look no further than to You.  Your understand what I am gong through at a deeper level than anyone else would.

Friday, September 5, 2014

#mercy #shortpost

from 9/18/02
It takes so much faith to walk through this pain than it does to deny it.  The Psalms are full of praises to God for having walked the writer through grief and sorrow.  There is no shame implicit with these Psalms, only gratitude.

I want to be joyful, but I simply am not right now.  Even though I should be used to these bad days I still don’t know how to deal with them.

Lord I often ask why You allowed me to go through this.  Life was pretty good before this: I was on top of the world and I was loving life.  Now I don’t want to deal with all these difficult things that You have sent my way.  Motivation wise I don’t really want to do anything productive.  Lord I pray that You will help me get through this.  Sometimes I feel angry toward You for allowing this to happen.  Lord I feel like You took away a lot from me.  Help me to understand Your purposes and help me get through this.  I confess that You are so faithful and merciful.  Lord I love you and I am always going to be real with You.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

overwhelmed by emotions.

This post is tough to read... This post if from September 18, 2002. 12 years ago I was in the midst of the difficult time...

9/18/02 @ 8:43pm

Lord, it seems like no one cares how I am doing.  I am sad today.  I know that You are there for me even during those tough times like right now.  
Lord, help me to look to You for strength.  I know that people are going to let me down…. Lord I feel needy right now.  Lord I feel needy right now.  Thank You for two good days in a row.   The tide of my grief has felt like it is growing.  I don’t  know if this because I am tired or what but I do not feel joyful.  Lord I pray that You will help.

9/18/02 @ 12:34pm
Lord I am having a bad day.  I pray that You will use people to minister to me.  May the good days come more frequently Lord.  I am struggling and it doesn’t seem like people care.  I know that they do care, but on a few have really shown me that.  Life sucks right now.  Lord I know that Your Word is true and my the Bible impact my heart and mind.  Thank You for hearing my supplication and prayer.  Lord I don’t even know how to pray right now.  I am down and out today.  Lord I pray that You would be with me and be my strength.  I am so weak right now.  Thank You for the several friends who are helping me through this.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

#running #copingskill #grief

9/17/02 @ 8:50am
Heavenly Father, I praise You for enabling me to be able to run this morning.  you are so faithful.  Lord help me to have a good mindset and be able to control more of my attitude about running.  I could feel the tension from my body flowing through my hands.  I am thankful that I was able to keep my word and do what I said.  Lord, I pray that You will enable me to apply James 1:2-4 to my heart and life.  Lord You are amazing and Your love is more than I could imagine.  I thank You for that…

9/17/02 @ 9:42am
Lord, I thank You for giving me a good day.  Lord, help me to continue to work through everything so that You may be magnified.

9/17/02 @ 2:42pm
Lord, You are so faithful and I magnify Your Name.  Thank You for providing a counselor so that I can work through things.  I am determined not to allow this to knock me down.  Lord You are my strength and You will get me through this.  I think that the main thing that I’m taking from my counseling session is that I cannot rely on others as much as I hold onto You.  People will let me down, but You will always be there for me.  I am not going to the counselor to get answers, but rather I want him to help me think through and talk through everything.  Thank You for giving me the strength to run today.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014


Written on 9/2/14 from 9/15/02 @ 11:31pm
Lord, I thank You that I have been able to write out more of what I am thinking so that I can look back on it and maybe write a book (THIS IS THE ORIGINAL!) to help others who have suffered like I have.  Lord I pray that You may be glorified and that I may honor You. ….

I pray that every moment of today that I would worship You.  …   Lord I ask that You would be magnified by my thoughts, motives and deeds.  Thank You for laughter and the ability to have a good time.  …  Today I am starting to feel better all around.  ….

9/16/02 @ 6:57am
Lord, thank You for enabling me to get up today to start it off right.  Lord, I pray that no matter how hard this gets that I will rely on You and You alone.  Life is hard, but God is good. NO matter how hard life gets I know that You are faithful and for that I am grateful.  …  “Happiness depends on happenings, but joy depends on Jesus.”  Lord, this is true.  I don’t need to be happy and warm and fuzzy, but I can have Your joy.  James 1:2-4

9/16/02 @ 10:51am
Lord thank You for Your joy.  I am so glad that I am actually having a good day.  Lord this is the first time in over a month that I actually have Your joy.

9/16/02 @ 1:06pm
It is so nice to actually be able to be happy. Lord I am grateful for the individuals you placed in my life who actually care about how I am really doing.  It is wonderful to be real and be happy. … Lord help me to grieve and go through the depths of my sorrow.  I want to go through the grief and sorrow instead of around it.  I think memorizing the verses yesterday helped to take a breath and get out of the depths of despair.  Lord I pray that You will enable me to serve you today through serving others.  I love You, Lord. 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Sibling suicide

Sept 1, 2014 thoughts/feeling/emotions

Day 2 of giving real time thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Today, is my 34th birthday.  Instead of just allowing life to "happen to me" I decided to "happen to life."  I went out for a run this morning with a running buddy.  We met at 5:30am.  It was exactly what I needed this morning.  It was VERY HUMID so I sweat a lot.  I sweat out any stress I had this morning.

Ok, so the question is what "leftover" emotions am I feeling.  Well right now I'm feeling grateful for my amazing friends.  As I type this I have a bunch of people posting on my Facebook wall.  It's only 8:30am and my mom already called.  I'm hoping that a few others call before the days out.  Plan for the day include mostly chilling with my family.  We'll be going to a park with Emma, going out to lunch for my birthday.

In regards to emotions... I'm mostly feeling positive emotions today.  My biggest feeling is gratitude what I have in life rather than what's I perceive is missing.  Thanks for all the love and support.

Plan at this point to go to the park with Cindy and Emma, then to Starbucks for my favorite fall beverage (Grande Pumpkin Spice Chai Latte).  Then out to my birthday lunch.

I'll get back to typing out my journal in the morning.  Taking it easy and making sure I get the rest and relaxation I need.