Sunday, August 31, 2014

for my 34th Birthday (Labor Day 2014)

I'm taking a one day break from typing out my old post to let you know where I am right now.  Today, August 31, 2014 was an emotional morning.  I cried for the first time in a while at church this morning.  It really had little to do with what was happening around me, but everything to do what was going in inside me.

I'm writing this the day before my birthday.  I was going to delay the post, but here it is.  Tomorrow, Sept 1, 2014  is my 34th birthday.  I'm pretty sure this birthday would have been just like all the others if I weren't writing my book.  It brings up emotions that I guess I haven't always dealt with completely.  This entire week I felt "off."  I've been getting up by 4:30am most days (many days at 4am) without too much difficulty in the past month or two.  This week I did not get up when I intended to at all.  The only day I go up early was when I had people who were depending on me for a run.  I'm grateful for that.

I think I am lamenting the realty that I never really had a decent or much of a relationship with my brother.  We never really connected.  This pains me as I can't do anything to change this.  Take away for those with siblings... call your brother or sister and let them know you love and care for them.

For those who are reading this and feel bad for me... please don't.  Please just be there to support me.  Don't assume that I'm doing great (although most of the time I am). 

Also this year I didn't really feel like having much of a celebration for my birthday.   I don't think that had anything to do with missing Brian.  All I really want for my birthday is to be able to go for a fun run in the morning (meeting at 5:30am with a friend for an easy 3-4 miles).  And then go out for lunch with my family.  I am doing both.

Those who want to support... remember that this never goes way, but that it gets easier... it also gets harder and then easier and then harder again.

Thanks for your support. 

As you celebrate Labor Day, call someone (not text, not facebook message) and let them know you love and care about them.  Even better... call them and set up a time to get together face to face.

Have a great day!  And thanks for reading.


9/15/02 @ 6:30pm
God I stand in awe of You.  you are more faithful than I could ever imagine.  Lord I pray that You will help me to use every momentof this week to glorify You.  James 1:2-4

@ 7pm
Lord I do hurt very much.  I have never experienced anything like this.  LIfe sucks sometimes.  It is very hard.  … I want to acknowledge my anger toward You for allowing this to happen.  Knowing that You are sovereign does not make any of this easier.   Only time makes everything a bit better.  Lord help me to be focused and concentrate on the work that needs to be done.  Thank You for Your faithfulness and Your mercy and grace through all the terrible things that have happened.  …. Thank You for friends who really care about me and who love me. 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

#Trust # Rock

9/12/02 continued
Lord I trust in You.  You alone are my strength and my shield.  I long to be close to You Lord.  I am having such a hard time today.  You alone are my Rock.  I pray that You alone will get me through this terrible time.  Life is so hard, but You are good.  Lord I pray that You will help mom and dad get through this.  Nothing is too hard for You Lord.  Help me to never lose hope.  I trust in You and You alone Oh, Lord.  You are my Rock and my Hiding Place.  I trust You, Lord with all that I am or ever will be.

9/14/02 @ 8:43pm
Lord I am thankful that You ar so faithful.  Lord I am tired and I pray that You will refresh me.  Lord You are my strength.  

Thank You for helping it become easier to get up this morning.  Thank You for friends that care about me. … I am having serious difficulty dealing with Brian’s suicide.  I am still having a hard time with the fact that he took his own life.  I have this feeling that if it was an accident than in some way it would be easier.  Thank You for providing people that I can talk to this week.  … LIfe is so incredibly hard, but You are so good to me.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Loss of a specific opportunity

9/12/02 @ 9:24am continued
I pray that You will use people and Your word to encourage me and spur me on.  Lord sometimes it is just so difficult I don’t want to face life.  I know that Satan is trying to deceive me.  I pray that I will not let him get a foothold in my life.  Lord I need You.  You alone will get me through this.  Thank You for people who care about me and who love me.  I am having such a tough time.  Grieving is tough and has wiped me out.  I want to go to bed way early tonight so for once I can be rested and ready to face this emotional weekend.  Lord I am … mourning over the loss of the opportunity and future possibility of having a Wagner nephew.  This weekend I “should be” happy, but right now I am not happy.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

importance of "Nate time"

From 9/11/02
Sometimes I take for granted is that I will have another day.  This is not always the case.  Some day I will breathe my last.  I must be ready for that time at all times. … Lord I am so tired, but I rest in You for my strength.  Lord help me to love You more and more.  Lord this has been a really rough day.  I trust You and Your promises.  I’m going to go back to the room for “Nate time.”  Lord I pray that the time I spend with my friends would be profitable.

9/12/02 @ 7:50am
Lord I don’t want to face the day today.  I’m having a tough time dealing with everything.  I’m having a tough time dealing with Brian’s suicide.  The fact that he is gone keeps hitting me very hard right in my heart.  Lord I thank You that You do not let me get discouraged beyond what I can handle.

9/12/02 @ 9am
Lord I pray that You will help me to just be.  I trust You.  I want to be real and I pray that You will use others to minister to me. Lord I love You and I pray that Your love would completely surround me.

9/12/02 @9:24 am
Abba Father, I trust You.  You will give me the strength that I need today.  Thank You for the encouragement my friend gave me.  I know that You will be there for me through these terribly difficult times.  Thank You for not giving me more than I can bare.  Lord take me through this grief instead of around it.  I want to deal with this as much as I can right now.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

real life

Lord life is so hard.  Right now I feel like life sucks.  Life is hard (repetition in original).  Mom and dad are arguing and trying to look out for my best but they are attacking each other.  Lord You are my strength.  You are my strength.  You are the reason that I live.  I am so physically tired.  I have a feeling that I’m not going to want to get up tomorrow.  I surrender everything go you.  Lord You know what I need and I pray that I will go to You for it.  … Lord help me to love You.  May Your love surround me tonight.

9/11/02 @ 11:20pm
I’m having the hardest time of my entire life.  Nothing anybody could have ever taught me could have made this any easier.  Lord I pray that You will help me to be encouraged by my professor.   I want to live my life for You.  

Lord I am angry at the loss of Brian.  He had so much potential.  he could have used his gifts and talents for You.  Are you using this to strengthen my relationship with You?  … I am having a difficult time dealing with everything.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

#purposeinpain (late post)

9/10/02 @8:22am
Lord no matter what I go through I trust in You.  You alone are faithful.

9/10/02 @ 10:31am
Lord I feel distracted and scattered brained.  I am so thankful for Your mercy and for saving me.  Thank You for providing time to relax and enjoy life.  I am having an OK day.  I am looking forward to seeing my friends. 

Lord I have realized that I do need some space.  I need some Nate time. 


… Not my will, but yours be done.

9/10/02 @3pm
 The people who are here are incredible.  I appreciate that one of my professors was genuinely sad for what I am going through.  I could see others with his compassion.  Your love was poured out.  I’m glad that no one is trying to give me answers or to fix anything.  Only You know.  I can be comforted by Your mercy and grace more than ever before.  …. I think that because of all that I have been through I can see people who are hurting.  Thank You for eyes that see with compassion.  I think that this will eventually get a little less challenging, but it will never go away.  Lord I desire to learn more about the effects of suicide and how I have been affected differently than if I had lost my brother in a car accident.

Monday, August 25, 2014

slow progress... 9/9/02 and 9/10/02

9/9/02 @3:40pm  Lord, I finally am able to enjoy what I am learning.  Thank You for providing music that I can listen to which helps me to concentrate.

9/9/02 @ 8:42pm
Lord, I thank You for providing me a good day to enjoy Your love.  Thank You for Your mercy.  I pray that You will challenge me to be more conformed into image.  Your love is truly amazing.  Help me to love You and serve You more and more each day.

9/9/02 @ 11:19pm
Heavenly Father, I trust You.  I feel like I need some Nate alone time.  It means so much to me when someone actually cares about how I am REALLY doing (emphasis in original). Thank You for the encourage when my one friend told me that it was clear that I was reflecting Christ.  

9/10/02 @ 8:12am
Lord I had a rough time getting up this morning.  Thank You for using a roommate to help me get up.  Many times I do not want to face my day.  Thank You for the encouragement that You provided through some of my friends last night.  Lord I pray that You will strengthen me and help me through all these tough times.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

brief post: strength

9/7/02 at 11:11pm
 I fall on my knees and rely on You for my strength.  I am weary but I definitely want to serve You and Your love more than anyone else.  No matter what I am going through I know that You are right there with me.  Lord I love You and thank You for being so amazing and loving me.

9/8/02 @ 4:46pm
Lord I thank You for enabling me to get some things done.  Lord I do feel numb to the entire world.  The things that used to make me happy don’t anymore… well at least now they aren’t.  I have doubted Your goodness Lord.  I am so very thankful that Your faithfulness does not depend on whether I believe in it or not.   You are faithful and that is all that matters.    Lord help me to be honest and open with other people.

9/8/02 at 11:20pm
Lord, I finally am looking forward to tomorrow.  I want to go running and attack my day.  Lord help me to be able to serve You and to love You more than life itself.  you are my all in all.

9/9/02 @7:46am
Lord thank You for waking me up today and enabling me to run.  I didn’t run the whole thing, but at least I went running and I was up at 6am.  Lord help me to continue to do that.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

normal emotions: Grief (a little longer of a post)

9/6/02 @11:20pm
I did not want to face my day today.  I was very sad.  There was really no reason for me to be so sad, but I am.  Thank You for providing the encouragement through the songs of third day.I pray that You would help me to be encouraged by my fellow students and employees.  Lord I feel like I am “walking through the valley of the shadow of death.”  feels like You are not there.  Help me to continue to be real with myself and others and most importantly You.  I have that overwhelming sadness right now.  I am so sad, I pray that You will wrap Your arms around me and envelop me with Your love.

9/6/02@ 11:12pm
Lord I am feeling so sad lately.  Today I did not want to feel happy or to have  good time.  Thank You for providing people who really care about me….. People keep telling me that what I am going through is normal.  Boy is this normal stuff difficult.  I motionally I can’t handle all that is going on right now.  Nothing seems stable.  I know that You are faithful through all of these very difficult things that I am going through.  I had immense sadness and helplessness today.  I thank You that even through this most challenging time in my life You are still there and that I can rest in You and You alone.

Typed out 8/22/14
9/7/02 @ 9:04am
Lord You have some amazing plans for my life.  I know that You love me no matter what I am going through or what I am thinking.  You are using me and will continue to use me to impact people for Your glory.  May I never lose sight of that.  Don’t need answers, just need someone to be there for me.  Emotionally I feel a lot better today.  Thank You for using the music that my friend gave me to help me last night.  Lord I pray that You would reign in me.

9/7/02 @ 2:26pm
Lord it was good to relax a little bit this afternoon.  It is nice to have my motivation back.  Thank You for giving me the strength and endurance to get through as much of this day as I have.  Thank You for enabling me to talk to a friend about Brian’s death.  I had forgot that she had lost her dad in an accident.

9/7/02 @5:15pm
Lord I trust You .  Thank You for providing the grace I need.  I know that Your grace is sufficient for me.  I pray that You would comfort me and enable me to love You.


I pray that You will help me deal with the fact that Brian killed himself.  IT is hard to realize and deal with the fact that this was not an accident.  I want to be real with You and what I am feeling is not okay.  I am still having a hard time.  My world right now is very confusing.  I am glad that I have You.  You are my strength.  

 I am very weary.

9/7/02 @ 8:52pm
Lord thank You for enabling dad to love and care about me.  Thank You for taking care of my needs.

 I do fall on my knees and rely on You for my strength.   No matter what I am going through I know that You are right there with me.  Thank You for enabling me not to have to worry about the money issue.  Lord I love You.  Thank You for being so amazing and loving me.

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Friday, August 22, 2014

hurting, but learning to trust

I decided to double the time I'm spending typing out my journal.  This means the posts might be "slightly" longer.  Today I am posting for Sept 4 and 5 of 2002....

9/4/02 @ 7:36am
Heavenly Father I thank You that no matter what I’m going through You are right there with me.  Help me to rely on You for strength.  Lord I pray that I will trust You and You alone for sustenance in this difficult time.  Thank You for also providing people who love and care for me.  Lord I love You!

9/4/02 @ 7:48am
Lord I thank You that You are constant.  May You help me to understand more and more each day of my life.  Lord it is going to be different, but I know that You have great plans for me.  Help me to be real with You and with my close friends…. Lord, You are my strength when I feel weak and the treasure that I seek. You’re everything I ever wanted or needed.  Thank you for that.

9/4/02 @ 12:01pm
Lord I am hurting and I must face that reality …. Lord help me to go through the pain and not around it.

9/4/02 at 7:50pm
Lord I have learned more about how to trust You.  Thank You for enabling me to start getting adjusted to running in the morning and having to work until 7pm. Thank You for Your love and faithfulness. 

Lord, I pray that You will help me to work through the issues that I’m having with Brian’s death.  I pray that You would be the foundation for everything that I do.  I trust You that You will be there for me and my ever present help when I am in trouble.  Lord I do need You to help me through all of this.  I was discouraged today and didn’t want to get up.  You gave me the strength to get through today.

Lord this is probably one of the first thing I have really been able to do since Brian’s death.  Lord today has been a rough day.  I pray that You will use Your Word to encourage me and help me to be able to keep things in perspective.  

Heavenly Father, I am having a difficult time right now.  I know the things in Your Word but they are seemingly not as powerful.  I know that Your Word is powerful.  May I realize that more clearly.  Lord I am needy and I am willing to admit that.  I am thankful that no matter what happens You are there.  I love You Lord!

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Thursday, August 21, 2014


Please take a minute and respond to this.  I am curious about how you read this blog and how often.  There are only 3 quick questions.


9/2/02 @7:39am
Lord, thank You for being so amazingly faithful.  Thanks for great people like my roommates who actually care about me.  I pray that You will continually use my friends to impact me and challenge me to live for You.  May I be “set apart” for You.

9/2/02 @ 12:26pm
Lord, thank You for being so faithful even when we feel like You are not.  Lord, thank You for allowing me to get off campus this morning.  … Lord I pray that You will enable today to be better than before.  Lord help me to see You working in my life and the lives of many other people.  I trust You and I give You everything that I am or ever will be is Yours Lord!

9/3/02 @ 3:03pm
Lord I thank You for being so faithful through difficult times.  Help me to serve You today more and more.  Lord help me to continue to get better.  Help me to continue to work through my difficulties and Lord I want to continue to love You more and more each day of my life.  I pray that You will continue to lavish Your love upon me.  Today I did not really want to get up but it was more because I wanted to sleep rather than because I was sad.

9/3/02 @4:30pm
Lord, I praise You for how amazing You are.  Thank You for a friend who knows me from afar and who can keep an eye on me.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

my 22nd birthday 09/01/02

From 9/1/02  My 22nd birthday
Lord I am sad even though it is my birthday.  Today should be a happy time, but it is not.  I know for sure that I won’t get a phone call or email from him.  That makes me very unhappy.  Lord I love You and I thank You for Your mercy and grace.  Your ever present help when I need it.  Lord thank You for placing my friends in my life so that when I am down and out like I was last night I could talk with them.  I pray that You would enable people to minister to me and pray for me.

9/1/02 @1pm my birthday continued
Lord I am having a rough day today.  I’m trying to be a little bit happy, but it just isn’t working.  Lord I am sad.  I am sad because my brother isn’t here.  Today should be a joyful time, but it isn’t.  this has been the low point of my week rather than the highlight.  I am so out of it.  Lord I am going to go through this grief.  This is terrible but it is so difficult to go through.  There is nothing on earth like this.  Lord I feel like no one understand … not even You.  I know that this is not true.  I am feeling sorry for myself right now.  Life is not OK.  I am not doing OK.  I am sad and I’m going to deal with that.  … Lord I am having a tough time.  I haven’t given up hope for life, but I do not like the terrible pain that I am feeling.  … Right now, I can’t see how You are using it for Your glory.  I am also blinded to all of the good that has resulted from this tragedy.  All I can feel right now is the terrible pain.  I feel alone right now.  I should be having a great time because it is my birthday however it is the first time without Brian that there has been a special day in my life.  I pray that You will lavish Your love on me today.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

weary and burdened from 8/30/02

from 8/30/02 @8:30am
Abba Father, I thank You for putting friends in my life.  You knew that I needed someone to help me through this.  With them just being there and their willingness to talk is wonderful.
Lord thank You for allowing/enabling me to laugh last night.  It was good not to be so intense and stressed out.
When I think about the fact that Brian is no longer with us it makes me overwhelmingly sad.  I also am so thankful that I have people who actually care about me and who love me for who I am.  They love me even when I go through terrible things like the loss of Brian.

From 8/30/02 @ 9:35pm
Lord, I praise You for Your faithfulness. .  Lord I am sad right now.  I know that no matter what I’m going through You will grant me the strength to go through my struggles.  You are the reason that I live.  I feel like no one understands what I am going through.  Lord help me to find someone to talk to.   All I want to do is forever worship You.  

Lord I am weary and burdened.  Lord will You give me rest?  I can NOT get through this with my own strength.  I am poor and needy physically.  You are my God.  For You are great and do marvelous deeds; You alone are God and I trust You alone.  You O Lord, love and help me and comfort me.  I am sad and I am going to feel sad.  I am exhausted and I pray that You will enable me to have a wonderful sleep and have a great birthday.  I am NOT looking forward to tomorrow, but I want to go through this pain.  It is so hard, but You are good.

You are abounding in love and faithfulness.  Lord thank You that I was able to talk to a friend.  Lord, it is so wonderful that even in these tough times people care.  I need a big hug and I pray that You will help me get through this terrible time.  Lord give me the strength. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

Brief post: Valley of the Shadow of death

Typed out on 8/18/14 at 4:53am
from 8/30/02
Lord, thank You for helping me make it through the first week of classes.  Lord thank You for bringing me through this hard time.  Lord I know that there is so much that I need to learn through this.  Lord You are amazing!  Lord I thank You for providing time for my roommate and I to hang out. … You are the only One who is going to get me through all of my troubles.  

Lord I pray that You will make my birthday a special time.   When this one friend asks me how I’m doing it’s good to know that I can share how I’m REALLY doing.

from 8/30/02 later in the day
Sovereign God, I praise You for your peace.  Thanks for Your mercy.  Thanks for people who care about me.  Lord, Your love is deep, Your love is high, Your love is long, Your love is wider than the gap I feel in my heart because Brian is gone.  Lord reign in me through all of this hurt.  Lord may You take me through the valley of the shadow of death.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Trust and being real: from 8/29/02 and 8/30/02

Lord, thank You for the love that You have lavished upon me. …  Lord when people talk about being brothers it hurts me.  Lord help me to own those emotions.  I know that with Your help me can get through this difficult challenge…. Lord, no matter what I desire to do Your will.

8/30/02 @ 7:50am
Lord, this morning I did not want to face my day.  I went to bed early but I am still tired.  I think that my mind is tired.  Lord, help me to be able to get away from everything here so that I can rest in You.

8/30/02 @ 11:50am
Lord I thank You for that Your love is so amazing.  You are my strength when I am weak.  You are the treasure that I seek.  You are my all in all.  You are everything that I ever wanted or will ever be.
hank You for friends who actually want want to know how I am doing and don’t want a mask.  Thank You that I can say I am not doing ok and that I don’t have to make things up.
Lord, thank You for reminding me that my character is the issue and that I must be living the life that Christ wants in my life.  Lord, may I live for Christ and die to self.
Thank You for working in my heart and life.  Help me to continually be holy because You are holy.  
Lord I trust You and I desire to serve You more and more every moment of my life.  Lord I pray that You will enable me to do things and not go through the motions but to do them for Your glory and honor.  Lord I trust You and I need You.  Be my strength today and everyday of my life.

Saturday, August 16, 2014


typed out 8/16/14 at 4:38am
8/28/02 @4:30pm
Lord, thank You for enabling me to have a wonderful time with a friend.  I was able to share my concerns and thoughts about everything.  … Lord me me to love You more and more each day.  Lord, grant me wisdom about my class load…. Lord help me to realize when I should share and when I need to keep it to myself…. Thank You for making it clear to me that You are using me powerfully and I must trust You.  ...I know that I am here taking these specific classes for a reason…. Lord I trust You.  Life is very difficult sometimes. Thank You for providing those times where I can grow and be conformed into Your image.  Help me Lord.  You are faithful whether I believe it or not and whether that is just my pat answer.  Great is Your faithfulness!

Lord, I love You!  Thank You for Your strength to get me through today. ...Lord thank You for enabling me to think outside the box.  This is going to be a tough semseter emotionally and academically.  …

8/28/02 @9:30pm
Lord, I thank You that You have placed people in my life who care and who love me.  Thank You for giving me enough quiet moments where I can think and not be distracted by everything.  Help me to prioritize my time and be ale to use the gift You gave me.  Lord, again I thank You for being faithful and making it clear that You love me.

Friday, August 15, 2014

God is faithful: thoughts from 8/28/02

from 8/28/02 at 7:21am
Lord, I thank You that You are faithful Lord.  I know this is true whether or not I believe it or if it is just my Sunday School answer.  It is true and I’m thankful for that.  Thank You for helping me remember that peple care about me and they love me.  Lord I pray that You will help my friend to minister to me.  All I need right now is peple who listen to me and who let me know how much I am loved.  Thank You for helping me get up this morning to face another day.

from 8/28/02 at 1:45pm
Lord thank You for enabling me to get through the classes today.  I am looking forward to learning as much as I can.  Lord You know what I can handle as far as classes and work is concerned.  I desire to love You and learn Your Word and apply it to my life.  There are still several passages that I will need to memorize but  this is good.  I will be challenged to live for You.  I am excited to be able to learn Your Word and be able to apply it to my life.  … I want to do big things, but with everything that has happened with losing Brian I don’t know how much I’m going to be able to do.  Lord there is a lot of work, but I’m interested in being challenged and spured onto love and good deeds.  I know that You are going to use me to impact teens for Christ.  Help me to rely on You for all my strength.  … I must process all the work that I have and be able to do the best I can.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

determination: post from 8/27/02

I pray that this semester would be my best academically and that I would learn more than ever.  Lord help me to write.  Help me to be able to work through what I am feeling.  

8/27 continued
Lord, You are so faithful that even through all of this I can rely on You for my strength.  I know that through memorizing these verses that You will help me get through this.  People don’t know what to say when I tell them that I lost my brother.  They are speechless when it comes to responding to the fact that it was a suicide.  I am trying to deal with how difficult it is and to be able to get my classes done to the best of my ability.  …. Thank You Lord for enabling me to go running.  I actually have the energy to get through class tonight.  Lord I love You and I thank You for being so faithful to me in this difficult time.

8/27 continued
… it was hard to concentrate in class.  I’m looking forward to memorizing those verses for one of my classes.  It will help me to be able to have a set schedule and be able to have a goal in mind.  I’m glad I can get the sleep that I can be able to function correctly.  I am grateful for the fact that i have people who care and who love me.  I am looking forward to being able to get enough exercise that I will be healthier and be able to deal emotionally with this grief.  Lord, You are faithful and I trust You.  You alone will get me through this.  Lord thanks for letting me spend time with a friend and talk.  Lord You are my Rock and Redeemer.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

learning more

from 8/27/02 @9:21am
I feel a lot better today.  Running probably was the best thing for me to do.  It relieves a lot of stress that I’m going through.  Emotionally I have had the support that I need.  I have only told one person so far today.  I’m almost getting used to the pain that results from this.  I want to live my life recklessly abandoned for You.  Your love has been there for me even when I haven’t felt it.  I pray that You will use my professors to minister to me and help me get through all of this difficult pain.  Today I am not hurting too bad. I am a lot more myself.  Thank You for the care you put in my friend’s voice.  Her saying that a lot of people are praying for me means a lot.  I am forever grateful for being to come and have people who really care how I am REALLY doing.  I know that some people do know, but that’s OK.  It was only a month ago so it is really fresh in my mind.  Lord help me to love You and Look to You for my strength.

from 8/27/02 at 10:37am
Lord thank You for enabling me oto understand more about Your love.  Thank You for being there for me and helping me take a hold of my emotions and work through them…. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get through this difficult situation… help me to spend time digging deep and learning what You want me to learn.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

RUNNING: Coping with grief - reflections

At the end of this post I reflect on getting a taste of how running helps deal with grief. - current thought
from 8/26/02 @ 10:08pm
Lord today was a rough day.  I think it was so hard because I told a lot of people about Brian taking his life.  People don’t know what to say.  That’s OK with me because all I want them to do is listen.  … Lord I’m beat.  Help me to find people who can minister to me.  I pray that the time that I have with a friend is an encouragement to me.  Lord thanks for being faithful even when I am not.  Lord it is so hard to go through this, but You will use this to draw me closer to You.

From 8/26/02 @10:25pm
Lord, as long as it takes I am willing to go through this difficult pain and loss.  It is so hard to go through this, but I know that You will take me through it.  I’m exhausted, but You will give me the strength.  My grace is sufficient for you declares the Lord.  ...  Lord You have placed people in my life who care about me and who love me.  Help me to never forget that.  I am glad that two of my guys friends stopped by to encourage me :-).

From 8/27/02 at 7:45am
Lord, thank you for another day to live.  Help me to rely on You for my strength.  May the meditations of my heart and the words of my mouth be pleasing to You.  Thank You for enabling me to run and get some exercise.  Help me LORD to do that on a regular basis.

Monday, August 11, 2014

reality check

Typed 8/11/14
Today has been really weird.  I want to be happy that I’m here (back at college).  It was wonderful to see three of my friends.  Lord I Love You and I thank You that You are faithful and that You will help me get through this.

8/26/02@ 1:43pm
I am glad that I am here, but it is still hard because I have to tell people who don’t know.

Lord, I know I should be happy, but I’m not.  I feel a little lonely.  I know that I have a lot of people who care about me and who love me.  Lord help me to make the best of the situation.  I don’t really want to meet many new people, but rather to maintain and build the ones I already have….

Lord help me to do Your will every moment of my life.  Lord You are so faithful and I am angry toward what Brian did and how selfish he was.  .... Lord I thank You for listening to my thoughts and feelings.  This is hard to try to get back into school, but I want to be able to go through my grief rather than around or under it.  Life is tough, but God is good through it all.  Lord, I thank You for providing a place where I can get and think about the important things in my life.  I feel like I've withdrawn from a few people.  I feel distant and like I don’t know what is going on right now.  I’m not sad, I just want to be able to move and have people help me through this tragic time.  Lord it is so tough to go through this and then come back to college.  I refuse to allow satan to have a victory over me in this difficult situation.  I am going to be victorious because God is faithful and He is my strength and my shield.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

One month: perspective, reality journal from 8/25/02

Lord thank You for enabling me to get here safely.  I am thankful to be moved in.  Help give me the diligence to be able to get the things that I need done.  … it was really good to be able to see my friends.  I am glad that I have the people who care about me and who love me.  I don’t feel like I am the same person.  My perspective has changed.  Lord I want to be able to focus on what Your will is for my life.  I don’t need to worry about all of the issues that aren’t important.  I want to serve You.  You are my Rock Lord.  I feel like I need to be selfish and I need people to give to me.  I thank You for friends who care about how I am doing.

I want to face the emotions that I’m feeling.  I’m thankful that Your love has surrounded me. I had a rough morning because it is exactly one month.  I have come a long way this month.  I have come from the perspective of being in shock to allowing it to be a reality.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

guilt, support and clarity: Reflections on 8/23/02

8/9/14 @ 3:21pm
I didn’t realize that I really did love Brian until he was gone.  I feel guilt that I didn’t realize that before.  He knew I cared about him, but did he know I loved him?  Did he love me?

There are three friends that I really miss. 

8/23/02 continued
God You are bigger than everything.  It is crazy that how this impacted my relationship with my significant other at the time.  Lots of things changed on the relationship front….

8/24/02 @ 2pm
Lord, I am sad that Brian was so selfish that he took his own life.  I pray that You will heal my heart.  I had good nap to help me regain the strength to be able to go through my grief.  Knowing that tomorrow will be our one month of suffering this terrible loss.  I never knew I actually love him until he was gone.  Lord please help me to find someone who I can tell everything about what I have thought through all of this.  I want to even express what happened in my relationship….


Friday, August 8, 2014

Ranting and raving: Brief post from 8/22/02 pt 2

Post from 8/22/02 typed out 8/8/14

Lord You have taught me more than I will ever realize.  You have been so good to me.  Sometimes my world seems like it is unraveling before my eyes without You noticing.  I want to be honest with You and myself.  The things that go into my mind and I entertain them I want them down in ink.  I want to work through things.  Lord I believe I am angry because You allowed this to happen.  You didn't let anyone stop Brian from committing the horrible act of selfishness.  I think that even though I know that You are in control this does not make sense.  Brian had what seemed like everything together.  He had such a wonderful career and he was going to marry the woman of his dreams.  Now all that is gone.  Lord, thank You that You are allowing all that is racing through my mind to be able to process it and write it down.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Regret: brief post from 8/22/02

Lord, I don’t know if I really loved Brian Alan.  He was/is my brother, but I don’t remember saying “I love you” to him.  We had our disagreements and we certainly didn’t always get along, but I want to think that I care about him.  I did care by trying to take him and get him out of his comfort zone a little.  I cared for Brian the last time I saw him (at OC MD) when I wrote that note about how it was so windy.  He made it clear that he appreciated that and I’m thankful for that.

(reminder:  these are brief posts from my journal... I type more than this each day.  My desire is to compile everything I wrote in my journal... add my current reflections  and publish an e-book by the end of the year, 2014.  I know this is a stretch goal, but I'm willing to put forth the effort required to do this).

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Grief like waves: From Journal on 8/22/02

Dear Lord I am very physically tired.  I slept OK last night, but it wasn’t good enough.  I pray that You will help me to have a nice rest so that I will be able to face the day.  Lord I thank You for the time I was able to talk with one of my pastors today.  I must remember that grief is like waves.  Some waves in the ocean go over top of us but other times it is easy to manage.  I felt so physically tired that I wasn’t able to say much or process much.  It was cool that mom was willing to say that she appreciated that I would draw her out and almost make her talk through some of her difficulties.

Thanks for letting me see another pastor.  I was encouraged that he had my evaluation for my internship finished and that he is look forward to meeting with me soon.  I pray that You will use that for Your glory.  May You use my pastor to encourage me and help me through the difficult issues that I face.  Lord I face everything with Your power and strength.  May Your will be done as it is in heaven.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

brief post 08/05/14

From Journal on 8/21/02 at 1pm
“I lament all that might have been and now will never be” (From the book Lament for a son).  Reading so far about how the author lost his son and has been helpful.  I really identified with the quote about what will never be.  I pray that I will continually seek to be as honest as the above author and Job.  I desire to write and talk about everything that is bothering me.  Lord I pray that You will help me to be able to grow and mature through all of this.  I desire to protect myself from always giving but not always being fed…. help me Lord find a few people who I can share everything with.  May You place others in my life who I can place some of my burdens on.  Thank You Lord for Your mercy and grace.

(NOTE: when I was searching for support in 2002 there were no ebooks or books of any kind that related directly to my story.  This is why in part I wrote in my journal so much because I wanted to provide that resource)

Monday, August 4, 2014

8/4/14 @ 5:43am

Journal Entry from 8/19/02
Heavenly Father, I praise You!  I love you Lord.  Thank You for sustaining me through all that I go through.  Thank You for friends who love me and who care about me.  May You enable me to reach out and touch some of them.  Today was a relatively good day for me as far as dealing with Brian.  I am sad, but I have also had some anger toward Brian.  ...  It hurts me to see how much he stole from my family.  ¼ of my family is gone because he coudn’t take life.  I sometimes try to fast forward my grieving process to acceptance, but that is not where I am right now.  Help me to trust You.  Lord everything that I am and everything that I will do is in Your hands and I ask that Your will be done in all decisions I make.  Lord thanks for a good time with family.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Journal entry from 8/18/02 typed out 8/3/14

Journal entry continued from 8/18/02 for later on in the evening.
Thank You for helping me be able to write that letter to Brian (SIDE NOTE I HAVE THE LETTER).    Thank You for the healing that occurred by me doing that.  I pray that You will help me to get to the grave site to be able to get my anger and frustration about Brian out on paper so I can completely surrender that to You.  I trust You Lord.  Thanks for being faithful and for finishing what You started.

(not sure how I'm going to use the letter, but I have i!)

Saturday, August 2, 2014

brief post on 8/2/14

Typed out on 8/2/14 9:05 AM
journal entry from 8/17/02

Lord, thank You for your faithfulness even when I’m having a bad day today.  I was overwhelmed with the fact that I won’t have any Wagner nieces or nephews.  That hurts a lot.  It saddened me.   

Later in the day 8/17/02
Sometimes I think about how all the attention is focused on Brian.  He always was much quicker and better than me.  Now he killed himself and he is still getting all the attention even though he is gone.  He didn’t die in an accident, he killed himself.  How smart is that?!?  Not very in my estimation.  I think that this is making myself feel sorry for myself.  I want someone to identify with and who has gone through the pain of suicide.  I do pray that You would enable the time I have with my pastor to be profitable.  Help him to be able to help me move along in my grieving process.  I think that it is important for me to go to the grave site sometime before Wednesday.  Lord this is a lifelong process.  I pray that You will be with me in all of this.  Help me to always go to You for everything.

Thoughts writen 8/1/14 from journal

This is some of what I wrote yesterday from my journal dated 8/16/02

Continuing from previous entry
We got the death certificate today.  Dad doesn’t want me to see it because he feels it would not be productive.  I said at first I thought I wanted to see it, but I wasn’t sure so this is not a big deal to me.
I think the emotion that I feel right now is sadness.  Sad because of what will never happen.  No more holidays.  I can only imagine what Brian’s significant other is feeling since she was used to seeing him every day for the past 10-11 months. 
It is real that I have lost my brother and hat he killed himself.  I am sad that there was nothing I could do about it.
I’m thankful for Your faithfulness and providing wonderful friends.  Lord thank You for my friend coming right away.  Thanks for allowing three other friends for dropping everything to come.  Thanks for Pastor and for his support through such difficult time.  I never knew grief could be so tough, but it is a reality now.  Lord thanks for other friends who have been there for me.  Thanks for all the you group rallying around me to lift me up.  Thanks especially for the youth leaders.  They are so wonderful!